Recently I watched Family Guy. Wait. Let me rephrase that. I've been watching Family Guy for a while now and recently I watched an episode entitled "New Kidney In Town" (Season 9 Episode 8). Chris and Meg co-wrote (or rather, Meg wrote) an essay about what hope is, something along the lines of "Hope is going to prom dressed up nicely even though you have no prom date".

So I figured out that I probably should reflect my thoughts too using my simplistic language.

Hope is working hard, trying to be the first to reach the finish line at the Great Sperm Swim. You know the stakes are high because those that cross the line without finishing first will die.

Hope is kicking your mum's tummy, wanting to see the world that awaits you. The daylight, the smooches from your parents, the love of your life you will eventually meet, the children you will end up raising and nurturing yourself, the struggle of not being able to hold your spoon steadily when you grow old, and the inevitability of death.

Hope is doodling on a piece of important document your dad left on the dining table, and then showing him so you could impress him, but you end up getting spanked anyway.

Hope is crying, crying to get attention from your parents whenever you stumble and fall on the floor, even if it's barely a scratch.

Hope is bringing a set of rainbow highlighters to primary school, yearning to impress your friends because everyone else only has one highlighter.

Hope is raising your hand in class, giving a seemingly-intelligent response so that you can get good comments in your report book, but you messed it up and the whole class laughs at you anyway.

Hope is trying, trying to get close to your first ever crush back in school, and attempting not to be awkward and excited whenever she smiles at you.

Hope is running towards the canteen in secondary school, so that you and your squad will be the first in line for the Roti Prata queue every Tuesday.

Hope is studying till 2am the day before your paper, putting your mind and soul into rescuing your grades even as you regret not having started mugging earlier.

Hope is doing things behind her back, and wishing that someone would be able to tell her how much you've done for her, like how Ouyang told Zhenxin what Taiyu did for her.

Hope is forcing yourself to squeeze something out of a conversation, even if the person you are talking to has blue ticked you, because you don't want it to end and you never know if that'll be your swansong.

Hope is putting so much effort into making a present for your friends, longing for their reply and their thoughts on what you've made for them.

Hope is making a bad joke on the spot, poking fun of someone so that she will be happy, but you end up making her upset anyway because it was offensive even when you didn't mean for it to be.

Hope is smiling even when all things have gone wrong, even when what lie beneath that smile are shattered thoughts, confusion and ache.

Hope is waking up each day, longing to do something fruitful and help someone, be it in the most indirect or direct ways.

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That's all. It's basically my life up till now, at 19 years, 8 months and 9 days old. When I first started writing this, I wanted to write all the way till actually dating, marrying, having children, being old and ill and then dying. But I thought that it wouldn't have been appropriate if I haven't gone through it myself. And so, I stopped there.

I'm not great at writing, I'm not going to deny. And this probably wasn't the neatest of words, because everything seems a bit disorganised. But that's just how I write. I write what I think on the spot. I don't save my blog posts as drafts and come back to it later. I write what I feel at this very instance. I'm not professional, and heck, I may not even be an amateur at writing, but I just want to write anyway, even if no one reads.

I'm not depressed or anything, to all of you out there who shower me with concern and care whenever I write these kind of things. I'm just reflective, as I always am, and to all of you who matter, who hoped to make me happy, thank you.

Hope is waiting for the day that I have the courage.

Song of the day:
Meghan Trainor ft. John Legend - Like I'm Gonna Lose You
(Hope is - as what I derive from this song - loving people, fearing that you'll lose them but wishing they'll stay.)